The Things You Do When You're Young and Daft

On the left, if you enlarge the photo and look very closely, you can just about make out the inscription on the red book which consists of the words 'QUOTATIONS FROM CHAIRMAN MAO-TSE-TUNG' with a red star underneath. On the right, a bit clearer, the inscription on the yellow book is 'THOUGHTS OF JESUS CHRIST' with a red cross underneath. When I was about 15 I wrote (from my boarding school) to the Chinese embassy in London and told them that I was thinking of setting up a revolutionary council dedicated to the overthrow of capitalism and the corrupt British state. I asked for help with this project by way of literature and training in insurrectionary activity. Much to the delight of myself and the rest of the Revolutionary Council (my friend Martin) a parcel arrived a few days later with 50 copies of Mao's wee red book and a whole load of glossy photos of the Chairman himself looking wise and serene. No Kalashnikovs or grenades though, which was a bit disappointing, but at least it was a start. We immediately began recruiting likely cadres to join the 'people's army' (generally this was the thickest boys in the school who thought that waving the wee red book Chinee-style was way cool) with a view to initially torching the place and then marching on London. Unfortunately I was caught posting a picture of Mao on the main notice board, by one of the Chiefs, who was not apparently sympathetic to the cause, and the revolution came to an end by way of him kicking my arse, ripping up Mao's photo, rounding up the wee red books and setting fire to the lot of them. I managed to save one from the conflagration, which is the one you see here. The Chief also reported me to the 'duty' teacher. I think he rather hoped that I would be handed over to MI6 and never be seen again. Fortunately for me, the duty teacher, while being a very nasty wee man, was also .....a Christian. He thought that this was an excellent opportunity to save the depraved sinner (me) and wrestle him off the path of damnation and restore him to the path of righteousness. In effect, he proposed that I should study the words of Jesus and nothing more would be said about the abortive attempt to overthrow the capitalist system. Handily, he had the words of Jesus in a wee yellow book, Mao-stylee. This rather suited me, because the MI6 alternative didn't appeal, and even worse was the thought of somebody hitting my hands repeatedly with a leather belt. So the words of Jesus it was, and that is how I came into possession of the yellow book. Now, some of you maybe think that I'm going to conclude this educational tale by saying that I've been a believer in the gospel ever since. It would be heartwarming, wouldn't it? But no, quite the reverse. I don't believe a word of it. On the other hand, I see that the juvenile me heavily underlined Mao's exhortation "People of the world, unite and defeat the US aggressors and all their running dogs". Hmmm......apt for the 21st century or what. (I suppose that in the present climate some of the foregoing might be sufficient to get me put on the security services phone tap list - memo to them - this is a joke - remember humour? - I do not actually intend to lead a revolution, with Chinese support or otherwise. I do not want to encourage people of the world to unite and defeat the US. I am not, nor have I ever been a member of the Communist Party. I am a 51 year old man with a heart condition. Go and tap somebody else's phone.)